I believe in this picture, the reason I don't have earrings on, is because 30 minutes after I had been at this event, I realized I only had 1 on. I fed Harper in the restroom where milk covered one side of my dress because I knew a stick on bra would be appropriate while nursing (fail). After I fed her, I looked in the mirror only to see the pattern of my undergarment showing through the dress. Could I be any more of a mess? Welcome to motherhood, Mary.
Motherhood, it’s
indescribable, but here goes my description. There are days when I can’t
believe this is actually my life, because I’m so overwhelmed with joy… then
there are days when I cry (with Harper Lee) because I just want to sleep in
peace (or take a shower). The past 7 months have been a learning experience.
The rest of our lives, will continue to be a learning experience. Just when I
feel like I have her figured out, she changes.
My pediatrician is not
very good, and she told me to feed Harper baby food twice a day when I think
she’s hungry. That did not work. Of course, I’m still nursing her every 2
hours, but I was clueless. I’d look up schedules of 7 month old babies online
and try to make Harper fit to one. That was also a bad idea. Anyway, after I
broke down at Mrs. MG’s, she reminded me this is my child. I have to do what’s
best for her and me… to not listen to everyone telling me she’s spoiled. It’s a
good thing she wants to be with me all the time. After that chat, I put Harper
in her carseat and headed home. She fell asleep before we could get out of the
driveway. Little girl was so exhausted from crying. I got to my house (maybe 5
minutes away) and just wept in the carport. I didn’t want to move Harper,
because I was scared she would wake up. I needed a short break and if that
short break called for sitting in the car with her asleep, I was fine with
that. I finally got the nerve to move her inside to her bed. She went straight
to sleep… and slept for 2.5 hours!
I just remember
feeling so much guilt on that day. I felt as if I had been starving her for the
past 7 months. I wasn’t cut out for this whole motherhood thing. I wanted to
get a paying job. Babies thrive on a schedule and HLS was on no set schedule. I
wasn’t taking care of myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I blow-dried my
hair. My hair was falling out. My gums are not healthy. I wasn’t getting any
sleep. I would eat whatever was around the house, because I didn’t have energy
to think of a meal plan for Daniel and me. Poor guy. I’m sure he just wants a
good meal every now and then. It’s been Hamburger Helper or pizza since she’s
been born… ok, with a few good meals in-between… because someone from church,
family or friends supplied them J With ALL of that (pity party) to say, I have
changed my attitude.
Hurricane Harper
When people ask about
Harper and how she’s doing my response is, “She’s so good, but sometimes really
hard.” I feel like I’m always downing my life or her. She really is the best
thing in the whole wide world, but I would always throw myself a pity party. I
would talk about the big responsibility, she won’t take a bottle, so I haven’t
been able to leave her with someone, she’s often fussy, she doesn’t sleep well,
and on and on and on. What I fail to mention is, the sweet times we have in the
morning, the laughs that warm our hearts (which make me think she has asthma,
ha!), the smiles she gives Daniel and me, the juicy kisses all day, the way she
does beg for me, the security she has when I’m holding her, the way she and
Daniel play on the bed every night, hilarious bath times, the fact that she has
not been sick a day in her life, how thankful I am I’m home with her and not in
corporate America, our walks in the park, a healthy baby! My goodness, I could
go on and on and on about how thankful I am! Why can’t I find joy in that??
A couple of weeks ago,
friends came over to hang out. Brett and Tyler Jeter stayed a while after and
asked about Harper and how we were doing. I replied with my usual, “She’s
great, but I’m just so tired. We have no time to read, and when we do get a
free 30 minutes, we just want to sit down and talk. And, I put a lot of
pressure on myself to be a great parent since I’m home all day with her. If I do
read, it’s usually my parenting book.” Brett could see how stressed I was and
reminded me I could not do it on my own. I needed to ask God to help me.
Everyday. Every second of everyday. We need the Lord’s help. THAT, my friends,
was so refreshing. The good news is, we can come to Him in filthy rags,
exhausted, not bathed in 3 days, hair in a mess, tears pouring down, and He’s
there with open arms saying, “Come to me, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew
11:28) Why do I feel like I can do it on my own? Pride. Why can’t I ask for
help? Pride. She’s my child. I can do it. Why is asking for help from the Lord
so hard for me? It’s probably a little awkward and humbling. HE WANTS us to ask
for help! I firmly believe being a stay-at-home mom is harder than your job. If
I don’t have the Lord’s help, I am slowly weakening myself.
"Hmm... a foot."
We, as Christians,
do not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.
(Matthew 4:4) Now to answer my question above of, “Why can’t I find joy in
that?” talking about how awesome my little girl is… I CAN find joy! A lady
reminded me (in line at JoAnn’s craft store… she could probably look at how
exhausted I was) that this only lasts for a short time. Harper Lee will only be
a baby once. ENJOY IT. If she won’t eat from anyone else, ENJOY IT. EMBRACE IT.
She wants to be with you. That completely changed my attitude. She was right.
Harper girl will only be small for a short period of time. We, as humans, will
only be on this Earth for a short period of time. She’s only small once. This
is where selflessness comes into the picture, and also a beautiful comparison
with the gospel. I love this statement by Tedd Tripp in Shepherding a Child’s Heart, “The gospel enables you and your
children to face the worst in yourselves—your sin, your badness and your
weakness—and still find hope, because grace is powerful.” We are God’s
children. We frustrate Him, we do the opposite of what He has taught us, we
cry, we’re hungry, we’re in need. Our loving/jealous God never gets frustrated
with us. He finds joy, because we run to Him. He overflows with mercy, grace
and love (Exodus 34:6). We should remember to have childlike faith (Matthew 18:2-4)
for we are also children. How thankful am I that God does not send his wrath on
me!
She is so busy! Crawling and pulling up on everything!
He is disciplining me daily and entrusting me with His little girl, Harper
Lee Sims. Since Wednesday of last week, I have felt so refreshed. I find joy in
sweet little Miss Harper when she cries. She has gone to bed without crying
almost every time. I am more relaxed and letting her fall into a schedule
rather than making her a schedule. With the Lord’s help, I can be the mom she
needs me to be. Through Him, I can enjoy and care for her.
7 months (September 2, 2012)
As Christians, we are
to glorify the Lord in all we do and ENJOY Him forever. The familiar first
question of the Shorter Catechism is,
Q: What is the chief
end of man?
A: Man’s chief end is
to glorify God and enjoy him forever.
Of course, we are also
called to suffer for the gospel, but bask in His mercy forever. We are to ENJOY
him. He will change our hearts. He will help us. Like I was doing with Harper
(being selfish), I wanted my own time. I wanted to have a break, we also do
that to Christ. I have this vision of Harper and God pleading saying, “JUST
ENJOY ME! Be still and enjoy me.” (Psalm 46:10) On that note, I am also
reminded of Matthew 10:37 (second part) “…anyone who loves his son or daughter
more than me is not worthy of me.” We are to first love Jesus Christ. As a
mother, that’s a daily battle for me. I am often times guilty of putting her
down for a nap, then picking up clothes, doing the laundry, dishes, sewing,
etc. I need to be still and enjoy the Lord’s presence. I am such a Mary
(compared to Martha who was washing Jesus’ feet-- My sweet husband made that
comparison one day when I was running around cleaning up, and he was reading
his Bible. I couldn’t understand how he could just sit there while I was
cleaning up. I need to be still. So thankful for a God fearing husband.) With
all of that to say, there is forgiveness. The Lord wants us to run to him when
we’re weary. I write this not to let you in my private life, but to give
encouragement to other moms. You’re not alone! We all have a beautiful gift
from God, but sometimes we will fail as parents. It’s okay. God has given us
this responsibility, because he KNOWS we can handle it. Take the stress off and
ENJOY your children… and ENJOY the Lord… forever.
One of our many trips to the park
Ezekiel 36 expresses
well the fullness of the gospel, (verse
25) I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse
you from all your impurities and from all your idols. The grace of
forgiveness is found in the gospel. (26)
I will give you a new heart and put a new
spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart
of flesh. The grace of eternal change is found in the gospel. (27) And I will put my Spirit in you and
move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. The grace of
empowerment to live is found in the gospel. (Tedd Tripp in Shepherding a Child’s
Heart)
Matthew 10:42
If anyone gives even a
cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell
you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward.
To cap off my meltdown
week, Daniel, Harper Lee and I had a great time in Starkville this past
weekend! It could’ve have been better.
Stopped by my old place of employment, Starkville Manor. I have missed this place so much!
Mr. Charles
Dinner at The Veranda
my little bulldog :)
#HailState!
Gameday!
Those dang cowbells were way too loud!
Tailgating
Go State!
Cutest bulldog ever!
Harper Lee's friends
Auburn folk :)
She got sticker attacked. I was ok with it.
Tired girl! (Btw, this NEVER happens! She was so tired.)
(GOT TO GO. We turned our internet off a few months ago, so I'm at the library trying to type as fast as I can. I left Daniel and Harper home alone, and I'm surprised he hasn't called me yet. As a matter of fact, I might stay until he does call. Ahhh... a free 30 minutes to myself...)
Thanks for stopping by, even if this was a diluted version of the Gospel :( I'm learning. Everyday.
